When Bad Things Happen

My uncle used to say that no one ever suffered who didn't want to suffer. He also had one eye and drank whiskey from a sippy cup. He could also only urinate into small tea cup and pour it into a larger bucket that he then dumped outside while his plumbing took a 25 year hiatus. He was a sufferable man that understood the word pain. We always teased him and chased him around the back yard and called him a "poor old lizard". Sometimes we'd punch him in the knees and he'd fall down and then we'd pull his hair. We truly loved him. Whenever I would fall down or have to get a band aid for some cut or scrape he'd laugh right back at me "you poor little mean lady always beating me up how does it feel! hehehehheeee". I'd cry and cry and then I would go punch him between the eyes again. Loving relationships like this prove that as a species we are evolving. When bad things happen we need to make fun of each other and suffer even harder. Suffering is a part of life and anyone who tries to feel joy is just escaping the inevitable future-we are going to be taken over by aliens and big experiments are going to happen. I don't write this to make you upset but rather to explain that life is what it is so why try to make it something different. If you are in pain well then cry your baby eyes out and blow your nose. Sometimes after my uncle would call me names and make fun of me for being sad it would make me angrier which resulted in bodily harm to his genitals. The release of emotions are why bad things happen.

How to Pass Up a Party

I want to address the issue of "appropriate manners" when it comes to being invited to something you simply do not want to attend. I never get invited to anything. So I rarely have to practice my own advice. But if you watch the Real Housewives franchise, which I do from time to time (only to better understand their choice of wigs and gowns) I notice that parties are a large part of female socialization. But who has time to get dressed up for ever Cinderella ball in town? There's banquets, there's birthdays, there's auctions, there's after work drinks, I can't keep up! The only way to not feel over committed is to simply pick up the phone and tell the host that you aren't coming because NOT EVERY MOMENT NEEDS TO BE CELEBRATED! As you get older it becomes crystal clear that no one gives rats tail if you celebrated a promotion at work! When I successfully pick up all the leaves in my yard and burn them I don't invite my neighbors over for a bonfire. We don't need to kumbaya so I can feel accomplished in my life. Tell your host that if they need your approval (and a gift might I add) they should consider therapy.

Who Left the Garden Hose Out? And other ridiculous questions.

Well God Bless the Children. This story came up in my newspaper today and I am baffled. CRISIS IN TIPPECANOE TOWNSHIP As the story goes, a lot of paid and volunteer firefighters have walked out of this fire station pending an investigation, yes folks, of the time schedule! Well TWEEDLE ME THUMBS I never knew a bunch of men could get so sensitive about a calendar. The last time I tried to put my husbands birthday on our refrigerator he about had a heart attack. Good thing he didn't actually have one because everyone is off the clock in this town! So they think there's nepotism from the ol' trustee. Well suppose there is. And suppose he's a real pain in your side. Well if I had dime for every dollar for every dingle dick that gave his kid a lollipop for gettin' out of bed in the morning I'd be rich! Wake up people. This is AMERICA. Last I checked we rob the poor and pay the rich! Where have you been sleeping? Under a penny?! Life isn't fair. Find another job. Open your own fire house and be your own boss and put out your own fires! Be a hero not a victim. The real victims strike a match at the gas station. Who left the garden hose out? If it was you then you might just be the one to save us all!