Sore Butt Tough Guy

Dear Margie,

Man my butt is sore for 10 years now! I don't know what I did but it just hurts so bad. Sometimes if I punch my butt really hard it provides some relief. But I can't just walk around punching my butt. I think this has to do with back pain I acquired while working a laborious job. I don't want to quit. What should I do?

Sore Butt Tough Guy

Dear Sore Butt Tough Guy,

There's no ifs ands or butts about pain. I have a high tolerance for pain as when I was a child we had a muskrat that would nibble on my toe and my parents did not think this was an issue. Eventually it ate part of my toe and then they took it seriously. So my whole life I've been trained to tolerate denial of pain. Enough about me. Now some people would suggest massage or other treatments. Sure you can get all soft on me if you want. But my suggestions is to take an Vicodin a day and pray it away!! My prayers have been answered from time to time and sometimes they have not! But I bet this time it will! Also have you ever tried the As Seen on TV all in one massage chair/hair dryer. I do recommend this however the massage remote control is an extra cost and the cord to plug the hair dryer in is very short so I could only set it up in my laundry room. It also broke within 24 hours. But that was probably my fault because I kept on hitting the chair to make it work. I wasn't gonna buy the remote control separate! On the issue of your job--you must love it so much that you would carry pain with you for 10 years and not tell anyone until now. In fact you must love it so much that you also would never tell your place of employment that the work you do is destroying your health. Well God Bless America you are my hero! Alright well I hope this has helped and keep on your path of happiness.

When Bad Things Happen

My uncle used to say that no one ever suffered who didn't want to suffer. He also had one eye and drank whiskey from a sippy cup. He could also only urinate into small tea cup and pour it into a larger bucket that he then dumped outside while his plumbing took a 25 year hiatus. He was a sufferable man that understood the word pain. We always teased him and chased him around the back yard and called him a "poor old lizard". Sometimes we'd punch him in the knees and he'd fall down and then we'd pull his hair. We truly loved him. Whenever I would fall down or have to get a band aid for some cut or scrape he'd laugh right back at me "you poor little mean lady always beating me up how does it feel! hehehehheeee". I'd cry and cry and then I would go punch him between the eyes again. Loving relationships like this prove that as a species we are evolving. When bad things happen we need to make fun of each other and suffer even harder. Suffering is a part of life and anyone who tries to feel joy is just escaping the inevitable future-we are going to be taken over by aliens and big experiments are going to happen. I don't write this to make you upset but rather to explain that life is what it is so why try to make it something different. If you are in pain well then cry your baby eyes out and blow your nose. Sometimes after my uncle would call me names and make fun of me for being sad it would make me angrier which resulted in bodily harm to his genitals. The release of emotions are why bad things happen.

How to Pass Up a Party

I want to address the issue of "appropriate manners" when it comes to being invited to something you simply do not want to attend. I never get invited to anything. So I rarely have to practice my own advice. But if you watch the Real Housewives franchise, which I do from time to time (only to better understand their choice of wigs and gowns) I notice that parties are a large part of female socialization. But who has time to get dressed up for ever Cinderella ball in town? There's banquets, there's birthdays, there's auctions, there's after work drinks, I can't keep up! The only way to not feel over committed is to simply pick up the phone and tell the host that you aren't coming because NOT EVERY MOMENT NEEDS TO BE CELEBRATED! As you get older it becomes crystal clear that no one gives rats tail if you celebrated a promotion at work! When I successfully pick up all the leaves in my yard and burn them I don't invite my neighbors over for a bonfire. We don't need to kumbaya so I can feel accomplished in my life. Tell your host that if they need your approval (and a gift might I add) they should consider therapy.

Who Left the Garden Hose Out? And other ridiculous questions.

Well God Bless the Children. This story came up in my newspaper today and I am baffled. CRISIS IN TIPPECANOE TOWNSHIP As the story goes, a lot of paid and volunteer firefighters have walked out of this fire station pending an investigation, yes folks, of the time schedule! Well TWEEDLE ME THUMBS I never knew a bunch of men could get so sensitive about a calendar. The last time I tried to put my husbands birthday on our refrigerator he about had a heart attack. Good thing he didn't actually have one because everyone is off the clock in this town! So they think there's nepotism from the ol' trustee. Well suppose there is. And suppose he's a real pain in your side. Well if I had dime for every dollar for every dingle dick that gave his kid a lollipop for gettin' out of bed in the morning I'd be rich! Wake up people. This is AMERICA. Last I checked we rob the poor and pay the rich! Where have you been sleeping? Under a penny?! Life isn't fair. Find another job. Open your own fire house and be your own boss and put out your own fires! Be a hero not a victim. The real victims strike a match at the gas station. Who left the garden hose out? If it was you then you might just be the one to save us all!